Lessons in Privileges and Responsibilites #3

In our home we have "ready boxes." These are plastic shoe boxes that the boys prep every morning.  They take off their pajamas, fold them, gather their underclothes and get everything ready for that night when Daddy gives them a bath.  These boxes get put on a shelf in the supply closet outside of the bathroom door.  *They also decorate their boxes with every sticker they get from stores, the chiropractor, events we attend, or machines.  This was my way of encouraging them to be polite when offered a sticker AND keeping stickers from making their way onto furniture, tile floors, or even remaining in pockets and getting washed.  Now, stickers have value and a place.  Each ready box is their own and decorated by them.

Now that you know what we have in place...
I go into my 6 year old's closet and see his clothes thrown on a shelf. I called him back into the room.  I asked him why he didn't finish getting his box together.  He let out a loud sigh.  Then, "Why do you -always- want me to get my box together?"

As a parent, I have a few directions to go here...
I can address the talking back or I can see this as a symptom to a larger issue.  He doesn't yet see the privilege and responsibility.

My response was to answer his question.
"Privileges and Responsibilities"
His body language said it all.  He dropped his shoulders and came to a slouch.  He didn't see it...
"Alright, look, you want more freedom right?  You're bothered because, to you, I am pulling you back.  You want to move on and be free to play...but here comes Mommy wanting you to finish your assignment.  Son, we want the same thing.  We do....
What is my job?
Since this is something we go over often, he knew the answer. 
-- My job is to help guide you from complete dependency in others to complete dependency in God.  As long as you are dependent on others, you are limited to their limitations.  In God there is no limit.
What is your job?
His job is to develop in skills and to take on his own responsibilities so as to be accountable for himself.  His job is to transition from being accountable to Daddy and Mommy to being accountable to God.  His job is to remain teachable so that he can do all God wants him to do.

Let's look at Joshua...
He is 5 months.  When he wakes, he plays or fusses and he is stuck waiting for someone else to come pick him up.  What if I went and asked him to get his ready box together?  Can he do it?  No. He needs someone to carry him, change him, feed him, do everything for him.

Let's look at Nathaniel.
He is 2 years old. I get his clothes.  I lead him in putting his box together.
Let's look at you.

You are 6.  Do I need to change you?  No.  Do I need to help you like I help Nathaniel? No.
Your privilege is that you are now old enough to manage your own box.  You can pick your own underwear.  We don't pick Elmo or Olaf like I do with Nathaniel.  No. It is all you.  You pick what you want to wear.  If you don't like what choices you have, you can go open the dryer and see if your favorites are in their.  It's yours.  Your responsibility though, is to keep your own box ready for tonight.  When I see this mess, it tells me you are not mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with the freedom of picking and handling your own stuff.  Is that true?

Son, my goal is to see you soar.  Every person has in them the desire to fly and be free.  You can not depend upon me to carry you and want to fly at the same time. Either this box is yours or it's mine.  It's your choice.

...since then, he has responsibly managed his own box with the right attitude.

Letters to Joshua - Happy 5th month Birthday!

Joshua Andrew,
Happy 5th month birthday!  Wow... You have done so much in such a short amount of time!  The other day, you refused to sit back in your swing. Even with the swing moving back and forth, you continued to pull yourself forward, insisting on being a part of the action and not just an observer.  Look at you!!
You take everything to your mouth... everything!  When you have nothing else, you go straight for your toes.  You much more prefer life from inside a carrier. So, I wear you quite a bit. I'm beginning to think, you think you belong in a pouch by my side.  I'm alright with that. It's a great place to learn more about life from. You also prefer being out over staying at home. What I mean is, you are more settled when we are out and you have a lot to look at. Gabriel was the same way.  Today, he still likes the outdoors over being inside.  You often make me wonder who you are and what all you will accomplish.

As for your relationship with your brothers, you are very popular with them.
They all like to talk to you, explain everything to you, and carry you. You listen to them and stare at each of them as though you are comprehending everything they are telling you. It's really cute!  Nathaniel always wants to tote you about but is very limited since you are nearly his size. :-) There is no doubt that you will pass him up...then pass Gabriel up as well.  It will be quite the sight to see all 4 of you grown!
Right now, you will take 2-3 naps. When your brothers let you, you will sleep for about 1 1/2 hours. I almost don't know what to do with all that time.
You also surprised me with leg pushing your way to a toy your brothers had on the floor!  You are very determined to get there! My excitement only excited you more. I kept saying,  "Atta' boy, Josh!!! Keep going!!" All eyes were fixed on you! Matthew was itching to help by handing you the toy you had your eyes fixed on but I told him to watch and cheer instead.  It was quite the moment! Once you,had the toy in hand (and in your mouth) you looked at us as though we were nutty. Since then, you have gained confidence in your ability to get yourself to what you want. That is what life is all about!
5 months down with many more to go!! The best is yet to come!  I look forward to all of your todays and tomorrows as you discover, there are no limits to all you can accomplish!! - Just take it one step at a time and don't give up. You can only fail, if you quit.

Love,
Mommy

Dealing with Discouragement

Reflecting on my yesterdays as I am taking in my todays...
When I was a school teacher, I had parent/teacher conferences with each parent. During these conferences, I'd usually be informed that there was another "side" to my perfect students that I had never seen. Parents would share of their "teeth pulling" moments just to get through homework, while I sat shocked, never thinking such moments could ever come from this well mannered and compliant child I've had in my class.
Fast forward to double my age and nearly 20 years later... Same curriculum, same (yet slightly updated) papers, -MY- children....
Now that I am the one in the mom role, I get the unedited, raw areas to train and work through that others may never see. -and this I am good with...because I believe these are moments where we get to swap seeds of the flesh for seeds of the spirit that will show up again when they are older. (Prov. 22:6)

So...
2 years ago, when we started our homeschooling adventures, with our oldest son, it was, "I can't. Please let me dramatically wallow in self pity over all that you are insanely asking of me."
-- To that I had to ask God for help so as to correctly navigate through those waters. Entering our 3rd year of this and most days it seems we have found a stride. I am beyond grateful and almost forgetful of the obstacles and challenging moments.

Welcome my 2nd child into the homeschooling adventures...
May I just say, he (my 4 year old) colors remarkably well! I mean, his attention to detail and his drive for excellence is unmatched. However, as wonderful as this seems, it makes for some interesting days! One accidental mark outside of the lines and this beautiful paper that he has invested a lot into is now deemed trash worthy! This drive for excellence can be so strong that a self inflicting feeling of defeat can and has surfaced. If I respond with compliments, there can easily be a horrid mark or intentional attempt to ruin a formerly impressive paper... to this there is another dramatic display of defeat bringing us to all too familiar waters.

I. am. amazed! 2 completely different children, responses, behaviors, strengths, weaknesses....yet same results. -- I can't, frustration, & tears

It doesn't matter the person, every one of us has a sin nature. Every one of us deals with discouragement. What we do in those times is what matters. Praying for insight and a correct perspective to help my 2nd son see from, I was reminded and encouraged too...

A while back, I read the book, "Living in God's Power." by John G. Lake. (I was and am fascinated by these generals in the faith. What did they know? How did they see so as to demand and expect and see such miracles?) In reading, I was amazed when he (John G. Lake) shared a time where he went to pray with a man over a baby who's neck was broken. He said when he saw the baby's neck flop like a rag doll and he attempted to explain, he sensed in his spirit that his doubt would be a hindrance to this man's faith so he left. When he heard the baby was healed, he asked to see the infant. He then prayed, "Lord, take every cursed thing out of my soul that keeps me from believing the Lord Jesus Christ."

I remember putting the book down and being in shock. I guess I'd never really stopped to think, "Every great ______ didn't start there." In this case, It was great faith... there was a time when every faith general had to overcome doubt, unbelief, and fear. It may sound cliché but there is so much truth to the saying, "The only time you fail, is when you stop trying."

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..." 
Zachariah 4:10

It isn't about duplicating teacher's sample work. 
It isn't about what older brother can do.
It isn't even about an accidental mistake.

It is about stepping out. 
It is about growing. 
It is about trying. 
It is about learning.
It is about developing. 
It is about doing your best with a healthy attitude.
It is about remaining teachable.

Without the journey, there is no joy in making it to a new destination.

Letters to Joshua - Month #3

Joshua Andrew,

Happy 3 month birthday!!!
Son, I want to thank you for how peaceful and content you are.  You have to be really tired to go from fussy to crying.  Because you ask for so little, I have to make a conscious effort to assure you that you have a voice.  I know my perspective is not shared by everyone. However, I think, during this season of your life, our key building block is trust.  Trust is built by consistently being there and assuring you that you have a voice; your voice is unique; your voice, even now, matters.  I also believe that this is a way to show each other honor and that they are both loved and valued.
We do, absolutely value you.  We treasure you.  We thank God for adding you to our family.  I have greatly enjoyed getting to know you over these last 3 months and eagerly await the days ahead.
Love,
Mommy

Letters to Tanno

To our 3rd Son, Nathaniel Luke,

You have a charm and a joy that is contagious. Your smile warms a room. It has been spoken over you that there is a Joseph's anointing on your life. I have often wondered if that is what we all see... I have often wondered if that is why, even in the dungeon, Joseph was able to ask the Baker and the Cup Bearer why they were so down. I have wondered if he possessed a similar quality that enabled him to maintain joy through present circumstances.
Another attribute you possess is the love you have for people. You genuinely love. I so love this about you! Your joy is in the love you radiate. 

Another unique attribute about you is in the joy you get from being by our side. You have taught me so much about our Heavenly Father when it comes to the way you delight in being close to us. There are times when you will go off and play but more than your older brothers, you choose us. I am very close to all four of you boys. Not one of our relationships is the same. While I relate to each of you differently, I sometimes keep you close and put more effort to draw in your other brothers so as to not leave them out. I realize all children want and crave their parent's attention, this is not what I am talking about. This isn't a "Look at me, Mommy...look at me." - I know that is coming. I have and will continue to look -even when I just looked 2 seconds ago. What I am talking about is how you choose to be our shadow. You will sit taller when sitting right by your daddy. You are always the first to greet your daddy at the door. When I have been busy and absent from your presence for even a few hours, they others will acknowledge me but you will leave what you are doing to come hug me and smile ---maintaining that smile in faith as you wait for a smile in return.
In this, you have really taught me yet another aspect of God. Often, you seem to be favored but it isn't a preference in sons as much as it is you being there when they aren't. As a result, we think to give to you whatever we have at the moment. I've never really thought of this with God as our Father. However, it is true. There is this bi-product of delighting in and just wanting to be at His feet. That bi-product is being blessed when others aren't. While your brothers assume that age or accomplishment may earn them a "right", often, when I am cleaning up and come across something, I now have to think twice and make a conscience decision when I hand you something. So often, you take off to share your excitement with your brothers and that too makes me wonder. As an oldest, I saw through the eyes of "fair". You have challenged me in this and YOU have helped bring perspective. Our entire family is so much richer because of you.
I love you Son. Thank you for being YOU!

Love,
Mom

Parenting with Honor

Proverbs 3:6 says, "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." One way to acknowledge the Lord is by recognizing Him and Who He is in the area I am wanting to grow in.  In seeking His way in parenting, I must acknowledge the type of Father He is.  How does He parent?  What does He value?  What is at the center and the very heart of God?  He tells us when He said David was a man after His own heart.  When I think of David, I think of a man who understood HONOR.  He lived honor.  This isn't "honor" the way I thought it was.  I thought of honor as something formal...something rigid...something I was obligated to do.  I thought of it as entitled regardless of what a person does. - while that is a true statement, the faith and heart of the action is missing.  Honor is the transparent part of the gold that obedience comes out of.  Honor is love in action.  Honor is the highest expression of love.  To attempt to require or expect honor without that key element (love) that gives life to what honor is, would be a complete distortion of honor - it would distort it so much that it would look more like, binding and restricting through fear and intimidation.  It would be dominating to maintain order. Tradition or religion over relationship is no different than legalism over love.  Sadly, far too many people think this is God and it is not.  He is not a hard task master.  To think this way is to not know Him at all. 

Proverbs 9:10 says, "The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of wisdom; and the knowledge of the Holy is intelligence." This is the one core place that we continuously go back to.  -Honor.  I think there is a huge mistake in only focusing on behaviors. I see those as symptoms that will lead you to the true issues if you stop to study them out in your child.  Similar to an infection, there are certain symptoms that will key you in on what is truly going on. When children are little, you may be able to "force" them to comply but there is coming a day when those techniques won't work.  Like a band-aid on an infection, it may look better right now, but you risk amputation if you don't treat the infection.  I don't want my boys to be good for the sake of doing what is right.  I guess you could say, being good, isn't good enough. What matters most, to me, is the condition of the heart.  Even when they royally mess up, the key question is, what is the attitude they made their decisions out of? (and at their ages, "royally" isn't nearly as costly.)

The Hebrew word for the word fear in Proverbs 9:10 is, Yirat. It means to reverence, respect, be in awe of...Honor.   Teaching honor is kind of challenging since this is something that must come from the heart.  -and the heart of very young people. I find controlling to be much simpler even if it is a temporary fix to an immediate situation and has undesirable consequences down the road.  Television isn't teaching any of this!  Sadly, not even several animated Christian series seem to have this one down in their relationships.  Teaching to honor parents, teachers, pastors, grandparents, siblings...can be a challenge since it goes completely crosswise with the raw nature of the flesh.  If there is any one thing I have learned well, now that we have 4 boys, it is... "If you snatch something out of my hands and I have the opportunity, I'll wack you! --and I will feel 100% justified in my behavior!"  The only tool we had in our parenting bag for such moments was that of fear.  I knew this can't be the answer.  I knew "dominating" if even to bring about what appears to be good fruit, can't bring lasting fruit. If parenting correctly, this is going to have to be with good, life giving tools. 

Here are some of the things we have learned - 
1.  The time to teach lessons is NOT primarily when there is a problem.  This is the same as needing a miracle vs living in the miraculous. Yes, we do both but we don't save the lessons for when they make a mistake.

2.  Don't look at right now and lose sight of the big picture.  Learning anything is messy...it just is.  My 4 year old just loudly, openly, and even defiantly talked back to me today during preschool playhouse.  My flesh wanted to tear into him.  I wanted to teach him a lesson he will never forget.  How dare he embarrass me like that! I mean, I'm so patient with him...how dare he step all over my kindness.  It is a treat to even be there.  Does he even know what it took to get us there?  Yep... I get those feeling too.  But acting on those feelings is like fertilizer on the seeds of anger, fear, intimidation,...
My goal is to teach him to make the right decisions from a healthy place and every emotion that he brought up had to be cast down to get to the good fruit producing seeds.
I have to stop and ask God to show me the core issues that are bringing about the behaviors. When he learns how to deal with the issues, the behaviors will stop. In other words, I had to stop and seek help from God so as to know how to best honor my child by sowing seeds of honor into him so that he will be able to honor in his own pressure induced moments.  Most always with this particular little guy, it is a matter of being heard. I so look forward to the day when he is confident in knowing that he has a voice and his voice is always heard.  - If you follow this trail, it like all the other behaviors will lead to an issue of honor. Honor, true honor must be something that flows out of the heart with love being the pump that draws it out.  My job is always to sow seeds of honor that are rooted in love so as to model an honorable lifestyle so that they may know how to flow from the same current.  While it is a massively rewarding stream to flow in, it is also the most self crucifying, upstream fight to swim toward in order to live in and out of.

3. Be transparent.  We evaluate their behaviors a lot.  We also evaluate their parent's behaviors.  One thing that seems to be so freeing was realizing that my boys are little people!  There were times when I would lose focus of that fact.  They aren't only learning from their behaviors but they are learning from every person that lives within the home.  If you question that, just look at my 2 year old that just started putting his fist in his mouth and drooling like his 3 month old younger brother.  We all learn from each other.  We all grow together.  A family unit is a continuously evolving unit that moves as one, giving and taking and flowing together.  As daunting a statement as it may sound, our sons are learning how to be an adult by studying us.  -Sobering, I know.  The one revelation that helped me a lot is, They are not limited to what we know!  The Holy Spirit is the teacher.  When we admit we missed it, and we receive their forgiveness, we step out of the way, we let God move them past our parenting flaws.  - I learned this lesson as a teenager still at home.  This was massive.  It was so liberating to be able to see my parents as people.  Now that I am a parent, it is equally liberating to be able to see my children as people.

4.  Along the lines of point #3, Every person in the home has a voice.  The truth is, from the time they are born, (no before that...) from the time we know they are on the way, they have a voice.  As we wait for their arrival, and they take up more space within me, they definitely have an ever increasing voice.  Their active role increases after they are born but it is still there. It isn't baby that must adapt to what was, it is family that must adapt to what now is.  It is honoring to say to an infant, "You have a voice.  Your voice is heard.  When you cry, I will pick you up.  When you have a need, I will meet it."  As I honor him, I build trust.  As I build trust, I am making deposits of love into his heart.  These deposits will be vitally needed when we come into the next season of learning -- boundaries.  This showing of honor toward these little people, as it builds trust into their foundation, it also creates an atmosphere of joy and peace for them even in the infant stage.  Then, they are content babies - and that is such a wonderful gift!  I couldn't imagine a life of dealing with a fussy baby and 3 overly active, unruly little boys.

5. We are not alone in this! The wonderful part of honor is... parenting with honor is honoring God in our parenting. 1 Samuel 2:30 says, "...for those who honor me I will honor, and those who despise me shall be lightly esteemed."  This word "despise" means to value lightly...or to dishonor.  To those who honor God, he will honor.  It is the Holy Spirit that is our teacher.  We put the Word of God into their hearts, with grace so as to be able to be a success, not attempting to model in our own strength or ability but in our surrender, we live out honor with love toward God and toward man at the heart of our actions, also putting our faith in the Holy Spirit to lead them to their "ah-ha" moments so as to create lasting fruit.
Honor is being both compelled and constrained by love so as to live a lifestyle of love in action.  Honor is putting the other person first.  Honor is service.  Honor is not because I must but because I want to.  Honor says, you are valuable.  Honor says, you matter.  Honor says, you are worthy.  Honor is the highest form of love there is.   There are also other families that have been working on developing and teaching a lifestyle of honor.  Here is a blog post that has some wonderful tips on teaching honor. - http://www.imom.com/honor-lessons/#.VfBr-pcYfcs

How do you see yourself?

Have you ever had moments when you ask God for insight and help, then when He gives it to you, it branches beyond just that one area you were thinking of?
I was listening to the boys talk in the back of the van while I was driving...
Matthew was showing Gabriel something and made the comment that he couldn't really read yet.

When he said that, an understanding came up out of my spirit. He had yet to identify himself as one being able to read. He had yet to make that connection on a personal level. Once he identified with reading and believed he is a reader, I will see him engage in it better.
This has been our change of focus. I took him to a book that is much bigger than his little 10-ish paged, paper back school readers that he is used to. I asked him to read. I have asked him to read signs, etc. I have intentionally called him a "reader." Excitement started coming up as he made the connection and implemented the rules he'd learned throughout last school year. -- ONCE HE SAW HIMSELF READING AND BELIEVED HE CAN READ, HIS ENTIRE OUTLOOK CHANGED.
There is a quote I say often and live by, "If you can see it, you can possess it." Another, that goes right along with that one is, "Your feet will never take you where your mind has never been."
Another quote the boys hear often is, "You will become what you behold." ...and yet I have never paired the two. -- It isn't only what you behold as far as what we feed our minds through our eyes and ears. (- Which is how I have seen it) ...but also what we feed our minds through our own visions. How do we see ourselves?
As for the branching part...
This goes into every area of what we receive from God. We will only receive from God what we take and make personal as our own.
Do you see yourself as completely and totally redeemed? Do you see yourself as more than a conqueror? Do you see yourself as healed? Do you see yourself as completely in Christ so as to say, ..."as He is, so are we in this world"... meaning just as healed, in the same right standing, just as loved, just as much belonging, just as rich...as He is?
-Remember, once you can see it, you can possess it. -regardless of what it looks like right now, because that which is seen is temporary but that which is not seen is eternal... I'm already whole...completely whole. I am not trying to get there...I am already there because I am in Christ and He already won. This is mine...not someday but a finished work.
Once Matthew saw that he is already reading and more than able, once he saw what I saw... then, he gained confidence in stepping out. Now, he is attempting to read believing he can! Watching him step out, I saw the parallel. Once we see ourselves the way our Father God sees us, we too gain confidence in our ability. We too step out believing we have what is ours and then we too overcome.