A Bit About Me. -- Who Is Kristy Caudillo

It is more accurate to say, "What does she identify with?"

Before I go there, let me share what I once identified with... The oldest

I once proudly identified myself as the oldest of 4. When my parents divorced and I later moved to my dad's, I became the oldest of 3. The entire home may have changed but I knew the eldest's role.  My youngest brother was 10 years younger. Being his oldest sister was something I could grow in and have an identity in. I took to caring for, watching out for, setting an example for, doing for. In my mind, I found my place. I found my purpose. I found my value. I found my worth. Thus, my identity was largely wrapped up in being the "momma hen, sibling." 
As time passed, I bunched up everyone and often said, "I am the oldest of 6." This is where my greatest identity was.  When I attempted to join the siblings for different holidays, it didn't ever work the way I'd envision. I then took it personal. -Because it effected my identity.
-Can you see this?
With identity comes value. So, when I say "This is what I identified myself with." what I'm also saying is, "This is where I found my value." or, "In this I found my worth...my purpose, ... my identity."

When we all grew up, this identity took a major blow. Finally, when I was 31, we were visiting my sister. (My 7 years younger than me, sister.)  I felt the need to point out my take on her behavior. She in turn pointed out that I was visiting her at her place, in the state (Maryland) she was living in, married, and pregnant. She is now grown up, and she doesn't need a parent. I was stunned. She was right. While I still didn't agree with a lot, it is not my place to tell her.  She helped shatter that identity that I found security in. It was time to grow beyond that and be free. However, since our security is in our identity, instead of seeing the whole picture, I was able to let go of my siblings, but hung tight to my babies. I then took to being a super mom! I practiced with my siblings now I was going to do superbly with my sons. Never once pairing the 2 and seeing that accepting this identity leads me to the same empty place.  -Had God not intervened, history would have repeated with my own children.
Bottom line, anything that you find identity in that you can lose, you are in danger.  Our identity must be anchored on Jesus Christ.

Because I am free from that, I am now free to sit back and marvel at WHO they are! I am free to accept that they are grown, married, most of them are parents, and I am now free to be an equal...and have released them to be an equal.  It's cool (with just a pinch of surrendering mixed in) to listen to my younger siblings and learn from them. What a joy. What a gift!

Excitement Over Growing Up

Matthew came into my room this morning and I thought he was wearing boots with pj's because he definitely went through another growth spurt! Oh how delighted they get when they hear of how they have grown over night!  Right away he wants to measure where he is against me.

Dear Matthew,
Once upon a time, it greatly pained me to see you grow. It was as though I'd been robbed by time. I wished to keep you little always. Oh, to hold you forever! -but how much that would rob you of!!  I wouldn't trade your infant years with these for anything!  I love hearing you think and reason and develop!!!
Truth be told, when I felt that way, I was not growing. I gave you my life. I shouldn't have but I did. (More about the time that changed posted here.) As I've given you to God and put Him first, He has changed the way I see time. In learning to make time work for us not against us, I have been granted the joy and experience  of growing, changing, and developing side by side with you.
Now, I too am comparing and standing up against our Heavenly Father and I too am seeing how much I've grown more like Him over the last six weeks and last year... What was I too timid to do a year ago, that I have since broke free from? What did I want to do but thought I couldn't? What do I understand better now that I didn't then?  How have I developed in compassion? In hearing and being led? In obedience? In submission? In leadership?  In focus?  ...and, I agree, it is so thrilling to grow, to reach, to expand to new and deeper waters, beyond the former boundries.
I'm so thankful for these days...and I'm so thankful for your eagerness to grow! While in the physical realm, we reach a stopping point, in the spiritual realm, we never do!  Don't ever, ever lose that. -ever!
May you spend the rest of your life never settling and always reaching. May you be able to look back at every year and see many areas where you have grown and developed and changed...from glory to glory.

Marvel Your Way To Breakthrough

When we first started clearly seeing and understanding that healing is something that belongs to us and a part of our covenant rights bought and paid for by Christ Jesus' blood, and when we first started pressing through standing on scripture and not accepting what we saw until what we saw was what scripture says, what I did NOT see was the joy of marveling.
...
Similar to when David would bring home his current project drawings, I'd look at everything he was red-lining and ask, "You drew this??"...then say, "Show me more!...please!" Like a child, I delighted in him taking me to these beautiful luxury apartment complex buildings and marveling over what he designed!!! I  was beyond impressed. I would look at him until he would say something like, "What?! Stop looking at me." It IS very impressive!  I enjoy marveling at what he does....and I also enjoy saying, This. Is. MY. Husband! ...and stopping to soak that reality in.

Equally, with our Heavenly Father, it is no different.... I've noticed more breakthrough as I stop to say, "This. Is. My. Daddy God! Maker of Heaven & Earth & all the infinite galaxies!!"

So, I pray. Believe... and I don't just (emotional-less-ly) repeatedly say, "thank you God, I believe I have my healing."  ...Instead, I marvel! He not only can but He wants to heal us! He not only will but He made a way to legally heal us!  He doesn't stop at healed but completely whole! He not only loves me but He calls me the apple of His eye. He not only wants what is best but He starts moving everything so that when I get to my open door, the right people are in position, the right contacts are made, the right situation all comes together. He not only meets my needs but according to His riches in Glory...to the point that I shall not even want! And, even that is above all I can ask or think...

Like blue and yellow mixed together makes green, marveling and thanksgiving make praise. We praise Him for what He has done and what He does. We worship Him for Who He is.

Don't hold out for the big and final things. Start with the small ones. Just marvel. Let the love and appreciation expand your expectations for more. As you praise out of your mouth, your faith will grow.
Faith works by love and it comes by hearing.

Letters to Joshua - Month #2

Joshua Andrew,
Happy 2nd month birthday!

I watch you content in a swing. You lay there as you wait for us to get you. I come back upstairs when you awake. I hold you close to feed while I talk to your brothers.  I try to stop so as to recognize and enjoy our alone times that we get throughout our days. Through it all, I am amazed at how perfectly content you are when you are missing out on so much.

You have opened my eyes. I won't ever tell you. "I wish you could just stay little."  You see, when your oldest brother, Matthew, was your age, I literally cried over how fast time was going.  I felt as though time was the enemy that I couldn't control. Its purpose was to rob me of my nows. Why must it be said of everything, "This too shall pass."? I spent more time waiting for this time to come than I ever get to spend enjoying it!   -- I no longer see things this way. I have learned a secret! When I enjoy you, I savor my nows...all of them.  When I live my life poured out toward you, I am filled up.  When I give, I get.  So, while I look forward to the day when you are no longer waiting for someone to pick you up, it isn't because I don't want to carry you but because I already know the joy YOU will experience when you start to grow in your own independent mobility!
I do greatly enjoy today! I love having you as my constant companion to ask and talk to, go over the day, sing to and hear you sing back. I am so immensely grateful for today but I know you will enjoy tomorrow more than you could possibly enjoy today!  So, I look forward to all your future first...even if it means that your firsts come at the cost of my lasts. While that sounds like I could get sentimental, I don't mean to. What I mean is, I am so full of excitement and expectancy when it comes to the days ahead for you that I can hold you close and snuggle today, enjoying this moment and excitedly expecting the ones to come.
I want to get to know you. What kind of car or truck will YOU want? Your brother Gabriel wants a BIG red truck with large tires and a grill! He doesn't want it to be really loud...but maybe a little loud...that he says, would be okay.  I look forward to knowing all the trucks you will like....or cars if that is your preference. I look forward to learning right along side you. Your brother Matthew is very interested in geography. I so enjoy being interested in what you all are interested in.  Just name it and we can explore it! I look forward to these days ahead with you.
What will you like to do? How will you approach situations? Will you want to hold my hand everywhere or will you be eager to run off? Either way, I just want to get to know you.  A sweet friend said her favorite quote concerning children is, "Little children are not clay to mold but rather little people to unfold."   I want to be there to watch you and help you so that eventually you will grow and mature enough to be able to complete the unfolding process. What will it look like when you reach full bloom of what all God created you to be?  There is so much wonder in God. There is so much wonder in life. There is so much wonder wrapped up in you. It thrills me to see the wonder I have become your own.  I want to see you wonder!! I want to see you dream! I want to see you see your dreams become a reality!  You and your brothers are one of my dreams that have become a reality.  Soon, it will be your turn to dream...dream big! We serve a big God. When babies were said to be an impossibility, I've now had 4...with you being my 4th.  So, dream BIG!!   ...AND, when your big dream comes to pass, dream even bigger. Never stop dreaming, never stop seeing, never stop reaching!

It really does get better as time goes on...and it would be incredibly selfish of me to even wish to rob you of a day where you didn't get to experience the every increasing "more" that awaits you!

Happy 2 month birthday.
Love, Mom

Hello Monday!

It's Monday morning.  It is 5:00 AM.  My husband wakes me.  I have 2 choices.  I can either think about how tired I feel and how soft the bed is, or I can set my mind on praising God. 
First words are so very important.  They will tell exactly what is in the heart of a person.  I am fascinated with the life of Smith Wigglesworth.  He was a remarkable man.  I recently read this:

Lester Sumrall asked, 'How do you get up in the morning?' Wigglesworth said, "I jump out of bed! I dance before the Lord for at least 10 to 12 minutes -- high-speed dancing. I jump up and down and run around my room telling God how great He is, how wonderful He is, how glad I am to be associated with Him and to be His child." - Pioneers of Faith, pg 165

This little glimpse into his life speaks volumes.  Why don't we witness what all He did?  It starts with perspective.  From the moment we wake, we make a choice. 

I Thought I Had More Time

Nearly a year ago, God gave me a dream. This dream was so real that it took several days to shake. 

In this dream, we were shopping in a small country store. I was with my family and my parents.  As they often like to do when they come to visit us, we were spending the day shopping. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary happening.  We were just enjoying and living life.  At the time of the dream, our oldest, Matthew, was 4.  Gabriel was 2.  Nathaniel was only a couple of months.  The dream was set in present time.  I could feel my sleeping newborn baby's head cupped in the palm of my hand as I held him against my chest.  Then, Gabriel needed to go to the bathroom.  I looked around and found David, my husband, at the register with my Dad and Matthew, our oldest.  They were paying.  I told my mom I was going to take Gabriel to the bathroom.  We had to walk through a back storage area on the side of the building.  I remember relishing the preciousness of the task at hand, his small hand held in mine, his not quite developed speech... You see, I always wanted to be a mom.  It was such a long journey to get here that, well... while I was raising them for God, the truth is, nothing meant more in life to me...nothing.  My cup ran over!  I didn't have any other dreams or desires.  I was content with life as it is.

And then, as we walked back, I could sense a change on the horizon.  I looked and to my right side, the wall was a glass wall.  Through it, I could see an open field.  Suddenly, there was an ear piercing shrill and everyone stood still. Then, there was this massive black thing that hit into a field beside this store. The smoke from this was so dense and so black that it covered everything and there was no way to see anything. People were paralyzed in fear. This was consuming.

Then, all noise and everything around me seemed to fade as this white light from above came and completely surrounded me. I was still holding our sleeping newborn in my arms. I had been holding Gabriel's little hand as well but now, I wasn't sure where he was or if he was still in my hand.  I really couldn't tell anymore.  While I thought to snap out of this and search in panic, I couldn't.  I felt this peace and didn't know if I was laying or standing or what was going on around me but I knew all would be all right.

Then, I realized...it was as if I had an understanding download of what I was experiencing.  I immediately felt this sense of regret!!! I CAN STILL FEEL THAT REGRET. I said, "No Lord! I thought I had more time!!!!"

See, back in 1997, I was prophesied over and in it, many things were spoken over me. None of which I'd done. I really wanted to enjoy motherhood and do that stuff later...or that God would make a way for it to be fulfilled if He wanted it to be, (as if my destiny would fall into my lap when the time came...oh, how ignorant of me. Truth be told, I was content.  I was happy.  And, I was teaching them about God.  So, I completely justified the spending of my life and the choices I made up to this point...) It was fine because I was always thinking, I'd have time.
At that moment, time ran out. I knew it...and I WOKE! I found myself laying beside our newborn. It was morning and the sun had already filled the room. My heart was pounding and I was crying. I immediately began thanking God for time!  In that moment, without even moving a muscle out of the position I had been sleeping in, I knew, I was done playing games. I was done living for me. I'd already made that commitment at other times in my life, but this time... It no longer matters...
I have experienced what it would be like to face my Lord and be filled with sorrow, filled with regret, filled with remorse...how foolish I was.  Suddenly, my days, my choices, my life was chalked into waste.  The distractions that we often think are important and worth doing become worthless waste in comparison to the things that matter and make a difference for eternity.

So, after spending about half the day, reviewing this dream, I made a commitment to God, when that day comes, when the skies do part, when Christ does return, I WILL be ready to meet my Savior and I will be able to face Him, unashamed. He promised that He will give grace and be the redeemer of time and I promise to do all I need to, to catch up. I'm not doing it trying to make things right because I am made right through Him...but I am going to be obedient and commit to being a doer of the Word vs. a hearer or try-er.  I committed to walking in the light I have and making the things of God first in my life.  I no longer cared about others' opinions or the cost... I am done.

Make the Promises of God personal

"The promises were not given to tease. They were given to be fulfilled. You have to lay hold of the promises yourself and make them personal." -Pastor Tommy Burchfield

-Like I did for so long, you may ask, "How do I make them personal? I mean, I see it there. I believe it is true. I just don't see it in my life. What is wrong?"
Those truths must rise above mental assent. That means they are fact in your mind but not truth in your heart. Pay close attention to the way you are talking. That will reveal a lot to you. What responses are you regularly leaning toward? What is coming from your heart.

You may say, "But, if something is a fact in my mind, then how can it not be truth in my heart? That doesn't make since. I say what I say but I don't think about it. It doesn't mean anything as far as what I believe. Are you saying I don't believe the Bible because I do!"

What I am saying is....
If someone compliments the way you look, do you take it to heart and from that moment on believe it to be an absolute truth? Or do you take that and think, "That's sweet of them. I'm glad they see me that way. It doesn't change the way I view myself." At that moment, you didn't say they are lying. You are saying that their comment does not weigh more than your perspective. -Many times the Bible can be viewed the same way. "Yeah, I know what the Bible says but this is truth." -If that is the way you view it right now then, don't condemn yourself. Just use that as a marker and light shed so that you know where to grow in.

As for what other people say, it does depend on the weight a person carries in our mind's eye. It also takes a flushing out of what you have believed. It didn't take one day to form your perspective so it will take more than one compliment to undo it. The Bible says, faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So we must hear and hear and hear and hear.....and hear and hear. - hear what? Hear what God says...hear His Word. Then, one day, that truth will become YOUR truth!!! A joy will flood and pour out from your spirit into your senses and you will actually feel it...you will know it. I am not saying faith is a feeling. I am saying that when your heart is full and the truth is in there, when it flows out from you, you will have that assurance. There will be a filling. There will be a security. There will be a LOVE... and you will 'feel' or sense it's presence. You will have a joy unspeakable and full of glory. It will consume your demeanor. I will change your behavior. I will effect ALL you do. You will notice it's effect throughout all your senses because it is the Word alive and living in you now.

It starts with God's love. The Bible says, faith works by love. Here is a great test. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "God loves me!" -what did you feel rise up when you said that? Well, unless you felt that love swell up from within and encompass you and bring you a joy and a knowing that He is right there with you... you need to keep going with that confession. You can claim it. You can thank Him for loving you. You can say, "I know He loves me because...."
The moment that love engulfs you, you will know. - YOU WILL KNOW. That is the first step to making the Bible personal. Then, you can read the Bible and it starts to become alive. You can read, "For God so loved the world that He gave..." and you realize, God gave for me. God gave to me. God gave me...and God loves me. You will laugh. You will cry. You may even weep. ...and weep again. and maybe even again. Your eyes will be awaken to see His great grace...and more emotions will come forth as you respond to the truth made real in your life. You will get so excited you may laugh out loud, shout, jump. ...and keep jumping. I have spent many nights where I am listening to a sermon when the rest of the family is asleep and I just can't stay in bed. It's similar to a person who is listening to a game on the radio, I will be jumping for joy and thanksgiving when that great truth is received. It will always look similar...and if you haven't experienced it, just keep going. Before you know it, you will be in a different world...much like a couple walking on a date, oblivious to what is going on around them and at peace with anything that happens. Then, like the need for oxygen, you start looking for more promises, more truths, more scriptures. You will feed upon it. You will crave it. You will NEED it! You will experience a love so great that it is overwhelming. THIS IS THE LOVE WE ARE TO LOVE FROM. Until you have it, you will not be able to give it or live from it. Try it. It will change your life!!! I promise!
You can NOT look at it collectively. You can not pass this on for others before first basking in it wholly yourself... you must...must take this for you. I have done it. I do it. I bask in this great love. I take the boys to the park just to walk the fields and talk to Him flowing in this love. I sing out of this love, I cry unto Him in this love, I pray and talk to Him secure in this love. I love and need and take in and rest in this love. I absolutely can't even function without the truth of this love. Its like a dance. ...a beautiful demonstration of giving and receiving and two coming together as one... It's personal. My whole hope in planted on this love. ...and finally, once I gained enough strength and security in this love can I share it with others.

So often Christians wonder why they can't share salvation or their Jesus...well, rest in Him long enough and you will naturally share Him. You won't be able to keep from sharing Him. You in Him and Him in you... it becomes so much a part of who you are that you can't be separated anymore....and then, you can really see chains fall and promises become a personal reality. Abide in Him and let His Word abide in you.

Once this happens, the name of Jesus also becomes more precious and valuable to you. You will rest on it, rely on it, use it, find salvation in it. You will only say what the Bible says. The Bible will be so much more than a book but instead it is your personal letter from your Father. It is precious and holy and sacred and cherished. You will also notice a compassion for humanity and a love for those who are not loving back. -This is making the promises yours...this is knowing and becoming His. Love can save you or pride can keep you from it. -But there is a life so filling and so freeing in Him that there is nothing that can compare!!